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Jul 18, 2012
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thank you for joining us! thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) wow! thank you so much. folks nation, you know years and billions of dollars our presidential election is going to come down to a few undecided voters in key swing states. the fate of our country now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register mcdonald's. (laughter) and one-- one of those key swing states is nevada where, since 1978 their presidential election ballot gives voters the option to choose "none of the above." (laughter) but now, folks, the nevada republican party has gone to court to have "none of the above" taken off the ballot because, as the "national journal" put it, in nevada none is a fearsome foe for the g.o.p. (laughter) that's right. nevada republicans are scared that "none of the above" could take votes from mitt romney. (laughter) and, folks, i tell you, i think they've got grounds here. remember, mitt's not tells us how he's going to fix the economy or wh
thank you for joining us! thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) wow! thank you so much. folks nation, you know years and billions of dollars our presidential election is going to come down to a few undecided voters in key swing states. the fate of our country now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register mcdonald's. (laughter) and one-- one of those key swing states is nevada where, since 1978...
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Jul 18, 2012
07/12
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(laughter) >> stephen: will you sing us a few things, or rapster us a few things about the things people go through? >> yes, i will. >> stephen: life is good and it's great to have you here. we'll be right back with a performance by nas. thank you, sir. (cheers and applause) i'm female spirit present. it's the priceline negotiator. >>what? >>sorry. he wants you to know about priceline's new express deals. it's a faster way to get a great hotel deal without bidding. pick one with a pool, a gym, a great guest rating. >>and save big. >>thanks negotiator. wherever you are. ya, no. he's over here. >>in the refrigerator? >> stephen: here to perform "the don" off his new album "life is good" ladies and gentlemen, nas. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ new york city... (cheers and applause) let's go! ♪ in the new york city, yo, yo, yo. ♪ smoking an escubano, there go my second bottle ♪ ♪ habitual happiness hit you with two tecs ♪ rocking roberto cavalli, no shirt on a convertible, my chropl beeiana mommy ride beg side me ♪ every tat mean something ♪ y'all was mad all the years i was ge
(laughter) >> stephen: will you sing us a few things, or rapster us a few things about the things people go through? >> yes, i will. >> stephen: life is good and it's great to have you here. we'll be right back with a performance by nas. thank you, sir. (cheers and applause) i'm female spirit present. it's the priceline negotiator. >>what? >>sorry. he wants you to know about priceline's new express deals. it's a faster way to get a great hotel deal without bidding....
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Jul 19, 2012
07/12
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you're mad at us when we prop up
you're mad at us when we prop up
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no one tell chris math use where babies come from. he still thinks his parents found him in a potato patch. ( laughter ). besides,-- ( applause ) and i believe them. besides, as a g.o.p. spokesman explained, representative turzai was speaking at a partisan political event-- exactly. it was a private gathering. partisan politicians can say those things to each other and it's not offensive. the same way that black people can say to each other, "i believe we're being disenfranchised, " why o. of the law enforcement laugh so stop circling turzai, sharks. you should like this guy. he's just trying to elect a great white. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, i don't know if you've checked the newspapers, but for those of you who weren't paying attention, it is gay pride month. and the signs are everywhere. you've got your pride parades. you've got your rainbow flags. even the pentagon held their first-ever pride celebration but there's been one expression o
no one tell chris math use where babies come from. he still thinks his parents found him in a potato patch. ( laughter ). besides,-- ( applause ) and i believe them. besides, as a g.o.p. spokesman explained, representative turzai was speaking at a partisan political event-- exactly. it was a private gathering. partisan politicians can say those things to each other and it's not offensive. the same way that black people can say to each other, "i believe we're being disenfranchised, "...
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Jul 16, 2012
07/12
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they will play us out with throwdown. tenacious d! (cheers and applause) ♪ mosses came down from the hill ♪ ♪ holding the rules in his hand ♪ ♪ looked all around ♪ suddenly found ♪ no one was listening ♪ new it's time to throw down ♪ ♪ so throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ jesus turned water to wine ♪ ♪ the star in the sky was a sign ♪ ♪ they called him a liar ♪ you're not the messiah ♪ get out of the temple ♪ now it's time to throw down ♪ ♪ so throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, i have to tell you, folks, you just have no idea. folks, thank you so much. please, good to have i with us. folks, you have no idea what th
they will play us out with throwdown. tenacious d! (cheers and applause) ♪ mosses came down from the hill ♪ ♪ holding the rules in his hand ♪ ♪ looked all around ♪ suddenly found ♪ no one was listening ♪ new it's time to throw down ♪ ♪ so throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ jesus turned water to wine ♪ ♪ the star in the sky was a sign ♪ ♪ they called him a liar ♪ you're not the messiah ♪ get out of the temple ♪ now it's time to throw...
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Jul 26, 2012
07/12
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good to have you with us. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: folks, you are an emotional defibrilator. nation, i know he's been in office for a few years now, but barack obama just doesn't seem american to me. ( laughter ). and you know what? mitt romney agrees with me. >> his whole philosophy is an upside down philosophy that does not comport with the american experience. it's a very strange and in some respects foreign to the american experience type of philosophy. >> stephen: yeah, he just-- he just seems foreign. and i couldn't figure out why, you know. maybe it was his weird middle name or his foreign dad or the fact that obama has a different... you know... ( laughter ) way of moving his hand in front of his face. but now, thanks to the romney campaign, i think i've figured it out. you see, today, mitt is embarking on a worldwide tour of three countries. he packed his bags, got his shots, and strapped his dog to the roof of his jet. ( applause ) now, mitt's first stop is london to solvage
good to have you with us. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: folks, you are an emotional defibrilator. nation, i know he's been in office for a few years now, but barack obama just doesn't seem american to me. ( laughter ). and you know what? mitt romney agrees with me. >> his whole philosophy is an upside down philosophy that does not comport with the american experience. it's a very strange...
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no one tell chris math use where babies come from. he still thinks his parents found him in a potato patch. ( laughter ). besides,-- ( applause ) and i believe them. besides, as a g.o.p. spokesman explained, representative turzai was speaking at a partisan political event-- exactly. it was a private gathering. partisan politicians can say those things to each other and it's not offensive. the same way that black people can say to each other, "i believe we're being disenfranchised, " why o. of the law enforcement laugh so stop circling turzai, sharks. you should like this guy. he's just trying to elect a great white. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. her cup of coffee? how long is this one going to last? forty-five minutes? an hour? well... listen. 5-hour energy lasts a whole lot of hours. take one in the afternoon, and you'll feel alert and energized 'til the cows come home. it's packed with b-vitamins and nutrients to make it last. so what's it going to be, partner? 5-hour energy. wise choice. 5-hour energy. hours and hours of energy
no one tell chris math use where babies come from. he still thinks his parents found him in a potato patch. ( laughter ). besides,-- ( applause ) and i believe them. besides, as a g.o.p. spokesman explained, representative turzai was speaking at a partisan political event-- exactly. it was a private gathering. partisan politicians can say those things to each other and it's not offensive. the same way that black people can say to each other, "i believe we're being disenfranchised, "...
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Jul 26, 2012
07/12
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join us tomorrow night, 11:00, zach galifanakis, will ferrell. they'll be here talkin talking t their new economics book. here it is, your moment of zen. >> if you've got a business. you didn't build that. >> watch it! hole captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: folks, you are an emotional defibrilator. nation, i know he's been in office for a few years now, but barack obama just doesn't seem american to me. ( laughter ). and you know what? mitt romney agrees with me. >> his whole philosophy is an upside down philosophy that does not comport with the american experience. it's a very strange and in some respects foreign to the american experience type of philosophy. >> stephen: yeah, he just-- he just seems foreign. and i couldn't figure out why, you know. maybe it was his weird middle name or his foreign dad or t
join us tomorrow night, 11:00, zach galifanakis, will ferrell. they'll be here talkin talking t their new economics book. here it is, your moment of zen. >> if you've got a business. you didn't build that. >> watch it! hole captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!...
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Jul 26, 2012
07/12
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and, folks, i am going to do the rest of should show alone, okay, using this desk lamp and my iphone, okay. crew, crew, you're on break permanently. amhave a you credit vampires! get out of here! there we go. put that up there. jimmy, shut it down and hilt the road. >> you got it. >> stephen: okay, here-- here we go. ha! ha! me! me! ( applause ) there we go. how's that? yeah, there we go. yeah, there we go. ha-ha! i'm free! stephen colbert is flying solo, and commando. nation, barack obama continues to attack american success, but there's a way to fight back, and it brings us to tonight's word ( cheers and applause ) one-man show. ( laughter ) okay, now, now-- ( applause ) folks, i've always said relying on other people is overrated. ( applause ) ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: the point is, anyone, anyone who accepts help from others for anything is nothing but a parasite. >> don't worry, stephen, i know the heimlich. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. now, folks for those of you who w
and, folks, i am going to do the rest of should show alone, okay, using this desk lamp and my iphone, okay. crew, crew, you're on break permanently. amhave a you credit vampires! get out of here! there we go. put that up there. jimmy, shut it down and hilt the road. >> you got it. >> stephen: okay, here-- here we go. ha! ha! me! me! ( applause ) there we go. how's that? yeah, there we go. yeah, there we go. ha-ha! i'm free! stephen colbert is flying solo, and commando. nation,...
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Jul 17, 2012
07/12
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good to have you with us. it's great to be back, folks. spent the last two weeks off. i relaxed. gave the old moneymaker here some vitamin d. spent some quality time with my family, questioning the president's legitimacy. (laughter) but vacation is over. hold on one second, okay. (laughter) folks, i'm back. and not-- it's not a moment too soon. because apparently america just can't keep it together without me. i go away for two weeks, two weeks and everything falls apart. i'm talking of course about the tragic end of the story book romance of tom cruise and wife unit 55-b katie holmes. what happened? their marriage had everything, fame, glamor, a publicist. how did it go wrong. katie what are you thinking. may i remind you tom is an ot7 at least. where else are you going to find a superfit 50-year-old who loves cooking, long wuntion the beach and uses the text to create new sps and create better realities. good luck finding one of those on j-date. girlfriend, you are walking into one nasty whole track overwhelm. and pardon my saying so but the satan inhabiting you isn't getting a
good to have you with us. it's great to be back, folks. spent the last two weeks off. i relaxed. gave the old moneymaker here some vitamin d. spent some quality time with my family, questioning the president's legitimacy. (laughter) but vacation is over. hold on one second, okay. (laughter) folks, i'm back. and not-- it's not a moment too soon. because apparently america just can't keep it together without me. i go away for two weeks, two weeks and everything falls apart. i'm talking of course...
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Jul 18, 2012
07/12
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this summer, save up to 30%, plus get up to $100 on us. welcome to hotels.com. welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight has written a controversial article for the atlantic magazine on whether women can have both a career and a family. the answer yes. the career and family and sleep, no. please welcome anne marie slaughter. meers plaus desh -- [cheering and applause] hey, nice to meet you again. thank you so much for coming back. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: now for those who do not remember your appearance five years ago, let me catch the people up on you. are you pretty impressive. politics and international affairs professor at princeton. director for policy planning for hillary clinton for two years, dean of princeton's woodrow wilson school. you wrote this cover article for the atlantic, why women still can't have it all. okay. first of all i can point out, you see this, you see that. now when i carry naked baby in my briefcase, i get in trouble. but its's okay for a woman to do it, okay. that is something you have that men don't have. so
this summer, save up to 30%, plus get up to $100 on us. welcome to hotels.com. welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight has written a controversial article for the atlantic magazine on whether women can have both a career and a family. the answer yes. the career and family and sleep, no. please welcome anne marie slaughter. meers plaus desh -- [cheering and applause] hey, nice to meet you again. thank you so much for coming back. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: now...
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Jul 24, 2012
07/12
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good to have you with us. please have a seat. folks, i have to tell you, after a greeting like that i just wish it was legal to grind you up and snort you. (laughter) before we begin right off the top i want to thank my guest vikram gandhi for being here tonight. he's starring in the new documentary "kumare: the true story of a flase prophet." he's already one of my favorite guests-- because he showed up. (laughter) unlike mike tyson who was supposed to be here to talk about his one-man broadway show but canceled this morning because-- and i want to make sure i get this right-- he is a huge pussy. (laughter) (cheers and applause) that's right. i challenge mike tyson to an interview and he forfeited because he's too scared to face me i get it. i've only got one good ear, and that takes away your best move. (laughter) so nation, i believe this knockout ka-pang by know show now makes me officially the reverend sir dr. steven p. mos def colbert d.f.a.. (echoing) heavyweight champ-een of the world. (cheers and applause) right? (cheers
good to have you with us. please have a seat. folks, i have to tell you, after a greeting like that i just wish it was legal to grind you up and snort you. (laughter) before we begin right off the top i want to thank my guest vikram gandhi for being here tonight. he's starring in the new documentary "kumare: the true story of a flase prophet." he's already one of my favorite guests-- because he showed up. (laughter) unlike mike tyson who was supposed to be here to talk about his...